So much has changed. So much. And so I’m wondering. Does this still happen? Thanks for reading Touchstones! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work. I remember being so young. I was in second grade. How old would I be? Seven I think. If my math is right, I think that I was seven years old in second grade.
I envy you this. Growing up, I liked a couple of girls, been with more than some of my straight friends, but really, I was pushing down the feelings bunched up behind the threatening perception that I was gay. For me, being on the edge the first time of acknowledging my desire to another man, it felt like my synapses would cause the brain cells to melt and I was certain something was quite damaged in me as my body trembled.
So many loves went unconsummated, fear blinding me from seeing that these guys I found so incredible were actually trying to tell me they wanted me. I just couldn’t see it and simply frustrated them and myself. It was a long, hard road, filled with lots of disasters, bad choices, and a bottomless pit of anxiety.
I look at young men growing up gay, or such not defining themselves because they don’t need to, and I think how much easier it would have been for me to be young now, how much more fun I would have had.
I envy you this. Growing up, I liked a couple of girls, been with more than some of my straight friends, but really, I was pushing down the feelings bunched up behind the threatening perception that I was gay. For me, being on the edge the first time of acknowledging my desire to another man, it felt like my synapses would cause the brain cells to melt and I was certain something was quite damaged in me as my body trembled.
So many loves went unconsummated, fear blinding me from seeing that these guys I found so incredible were actually trying to tell me they wanted me. I just couldn’t see it and simply frustrated them and myself. It was a long, hard road, filled with lots of disasters, bad choices, and a bottomless pit of anxiety.
I look at young men growing up gay, or such not defining themselves because they don’t need to, and I think how much easier it would have been for me to be young now, how much more fun I would have had.